what did I want

A twenty minute memorial walk over to the apartment house at no. 5 Third Avenue forty five years later with little change to four story building of rotting window sashes with same closed smell in foyer entry of dead end air with the storage garage more rusted but still there on the side in the back where I flamboyantly climbed up from clothesline pole to the slant of the roof because I wanted to show I could be over and above what was supposed to be happening
But nobody cared nobody looked nobody even remembers a memory of me sitting up there in searing hot sunlight feeling permanently misplaced
Look at the determination on my face in family photo taken a few weeks later totally ignoring the focus of the camera as if I was already gone and anyhow knowing it didn’t matter not really to anyone whether I was there or here or anywhere and knowing this liberated me from caring
I was going to get what I wanted
What did I want?
Not to be alone
Not to be alone
Not to be alone